My Road to Motherhood

With the passing of my first true mothers day, I have had a lot of thoughts, feelings and emotions pass through my mind and heart.

I love my mother. I love her guidance and kindness and friendship and closeness to the spirit. I love my mother-in-law. I love her faith and sacrifice and the amazing man she raised for me. I am SO glad to be a mother. I love it. I love him. I love to see him giggle and learn new things. I love to hold him and smell him and rock him. There were days I thought I would never enjoy this sweet privilege. Days where it seemed only an unattainable dream.

All growing up I wanted to be a mother. For the longest time I thought that was all there was for grown women to do – we grow up, get married and become mommies. My friend and I played house at recess and at home constantly. It was our favorite past time – to pretend to have children, name them and take care of them in our ideal-made-up world. I know this mindset was influenced by my mother, whom I admire and adore. She was lucky enough to be able to stay home with me and my sisters and doted on each and every one of us. I wanted to grow up and be just like her.

Well, I grew up and I went to college. My intention was to major in Marriage, Family and Human Development – the perfect major for my career aspirations. I declared it as my major and began taking courses on family finance and marriage prep. Later, I shared my decision with my mother but was surprised to hear her immediate response, “What do you do with an MFHD major? You need to choose something that is marketable.” I was confused. Why did I need to be marketable? I was going to spend my career days changing diapers, reading bedtime stories and driving carpool! Little did I know how inspired my mother was in giving me that counsel. I’m convinced she knew, as all mothers seem to know, what was in store for me. I picked a new major – elementary education – another suitable pick for learning how to be a good mother and something I’d fallen in love with during my semester teaching English in China. And since my mother had majored in education, I knew she’d be pleased.

Three semesters before graduation – I got married. Again, my intention was to finish up my education, which included an internship teaching 4th grade, and then stay at home with my babies. The end of the school year came near. The pregnancy tests remained negative. I tentatively began looking for a real teaching position to keep myself busy and found one teaching 2nd grade. I took the job thinking, “I’ll just teach one more year and then I’ll get to stay home.”

My intention was to teach one more year. Surely in a year a pregnancy was possible. I began reading about fertility. I began charting and tracking cycles, seeing the doctor, taking fertility medications. We began praying every night and morning for our family to arrive. We hoped and hoped and HOPED.

Three years later – after countless doctors visits, prescriptions, and a diagnosis called PCOS, we still had no answers and no children. We knew it would take a lot more money and doctors visits to attempt a pregnancy. I began to question myself and my role as a woman. The road through infertility (a completely different post) is not one I would have picked, but also not one I would have traded for the world. We started thinking about trying the adoption route.

As I look back, the Lord placed people in my life as examples of adoption and infertility as a way to encourage and guide me toward adoption. I started teaching at a new school after we moved to Davis County. One of the teachers at the school had just adopted a little girl through LDSFS. Another of the teachers had placed her first child for adoption several years previous. We met another couple in our ward, the very first Sunday in church, that we had uncanny similarities with (again, a completely different post) and became best friends with them. The Lord knew me and he knew my heart and he wanted to answer my prayers. He wanted me to be a mother, but he had a different plan for me. One that took four years for me to realize and act upon. One that required a lot more humility and patience than I thought I possessed.

One that was really His whole plan in the first place.

Eight months after we entered LDSFS for the first time to talk with a case worker, our darling boy was placed in our arms. Finally! Our prayers were answered by the sweetest angel on Earth. She made me a mother. I love her so much, there are absolutely no words to describe it. I love her for sacrificing herself – her desires – her heart – for our little boy.

I never would have imagined that I would share my first real Mothers Day with such an admirable woman, and I couldn’t be more honored.

Adoption is such a privilege and because of it, I am a Mother.

p.s.
Several months ago, while blog-surfing through the adoption community I came across this music video on this pro-adoption blog (which quickly became my favorite daily read!). I think it sums these feelings all up. Enjoy.

I Would Die For That

Kellie Coffee

(Sorry to skip all the gritty and fabulous details but I’d like to do them justice, so stay tuned for more on these precious subjects.)